Let’s start by loading up some logs:
diana_coman: jfw: what’s your status/plan for the plan & review this week?
diana_coman: also, is the writing again stuck or falling by the wayside due to focus on the wallet or what?
jfw: diana_coman: I need to check on plans this evening; depending on that I’ll do the review then or tomorrow.
diana_coman: jfw: in other words, most likely similar to last week, lolz.
jfw: diana_coman: I think the writing vs. wallet has been more a matter of resistance to getting started and turning to other work to at least get something done. I have things to write on too, just need to buckle down and do it
diana_coman adds to the list of things to ponder just wtf are deadlines such a difficult thing for others.
diana_coman: jfw: honestly, I’m really happy to hear of your progress on the wallet; there is at least that.
jfw: thanks diana_coman, glad to hear it.
jfw: better if more progress on ‘fixing my head’ too as BingoBoingo puts it, I know.
diana_coman: myeah; I guess I might need to look for a bigger hammer in the end, dunno.
diana_coman: jfw: do tell me something – is the wallet work otherwise really taking up all time/mind-space or is it just that there’s ~always something else found to fill the non-wallet space or what exactly?
jfw: it doesn’t soak up all the time, no. so as to what does… I guess it’s reading or thinking but not being efficient about it
diana_coman: jfw: did you figure out any usefulness for those weekly reviews?
jfw: diana_coman: I haven’t taken a proper look at them; but at least they get me to look closer at what’s going on and keep a record
jfw: kinda looks like I ignored the comment, huh. I didn’t exactly; thought “that’s a good idea, I should take the time to do those things”; but then didn’t make the time
diana_coman: yeah, all the good intentions, I know.
I didn’t tell quite the whole truth there. The other thought I had on seeing the questions and prompts in the comment was an unexpressed, possibly self-fulfilling prophecy: “if I made time for this, I’d just end up wasting it anyway, and I’d really like to get things done this week.”
Well, having gotten things done during the week, I ended up taking most of the weekend to sit with myself making various attempts and non-attempts to get on top of the accumulating question marks and maybe for once get a review in ahead of time. It’s now Sunday night so that part didn’t happen; what of the rest? I dillied; I dallied; I picked up distractions and set them down again; I laughed a bit and cried a bit at the intransigence of my childish refusal to get started; I spilled some thoughts in the journal. Eventually I read through my old reviews – finding it tedious at first but better after the first few, not sure if that reflected the writing or my state of mind – taking some notes on the surface level of what they said but not having much luck answering whether or how they were or weren’t helpful.
The one revelation I think I got from all this was a glimmer of clarity as to my root problem (perhaps not the only, but at least one of the bigger ones), which I imagine will surprise no one. It’s this avoidance mechanism. My meta-weakness – or perhaps better put as a self-defeating sort of strength – is the stubborn refusal to confront my other weaknesses. This accounts for a number of problems both past and present. From a brief look at the popular (search engine favored) psychology press, the term “avoidance coping” seems to fit well, or as it’s been put around here “running away from the scary”. It provides temporary relief from a stressor, but by indulging it one lets the problems grow and multiply and ends up oppressed by them rather than gaining confidence and mastering them.
Looking honestly at oneself may never be exactly easy, but it’s also not as hard as I make it out to be in my head. Perfectionism perhaps plays a role too, but what’s that if not making a task out to be harder than it needs to be? At any rate I don’t think time management is the main problem at this point, in the sense of losing track of time or under-planning.
Naming and accepting a problem is just a start of course, but that which has a name has form, and can be observed, researched, and ultimately confronted rather than flailing blindly. If indeed this avoidance habit is my top problem, then I choose fixing it, one step and one day at a time, as my top priority. Though I grant that’s a bit abstract as priorities go.