Young Hands Club

February 8, 2020

RMD review, Feb 1st-7th, 2020

Filed under: Robinson Dorion — Robinson Dorion @ 1:05 a.m.

This week I became more aware of how I tend to beat myself black and blue. One of the more glaring letdowns I had this week was, as I type this, I've not replied to my Master's comments from last week's plan and review. I think the mediocre part of me struggled with the compliment I was paid. While my review was productive and moved me in a positive direction, there was a part of me that didn't want to accept being propelled further. This is the part that beats me up and kept me in the shadows that developed sometime in my past to help me blend in with the socialist environment I was raised in.

To celebrate the February purge and atonement, I fasted most of the week as a tactic for metabolising fatlogic. My blog is a better place for detailing my knowledge and experience, so I'll save the details for an article there, but the high level reason I did it was because, in my experience, doing so puts one more in touch with his unexamined habits.

I used time saved from not eating, etc to learn about the hormonal factors at play when working on replacing old, presently less resourceful habits with new, more resourceful habits. I think my many pots on the stove situation combined with the lingering effects of my stay in the shadows has me dopamined out as one of the causes of dopamine release is novelty. While dopamine is more associated with short-term stimulation, serotonin is the neurotransmitter/hormone more associated with achievements that require the deferral of gratification. When working to replace a short-term, stimulus induced, dopamine releasing habit, the stress hormone cortisol is released. Rather than gritting my teeth and repressing the habit, I'm working on recognizing the situation and how it feels and developing my inner dialogue through journaling to accept the situation and see if I can laugh and relax and remind myself of my goals and opportunity I have to live out my potential. Opportunity doesn't mean much and in fact is a cost if I don't put the work in setting myself up to earn the wins. I understand this shift induces oxytocin to be released to counterbalance the cortisol. Oxytocin is associated with bonding so through this process I'm strengthening my bond with my core, the part that's at my center, that the layer of mediocrity has no chance in covering and suppressing mid to long term1.

The other realization I had is that shame isn't something I feel because I'm bad, let's say. Shame is something I'm feeling because the good in me is recognizing I'm not living up to my potential. If I'm feeling bad about my performance, it's not something to dwell in, but something to appreciate because the best in me knows I can do better if I work on my strengthening my presence and the focus of my attention. So with that in mind, there's really no reason to hesitate and pull back. No matter what happens, be present, take the best decision that's available to your conscious, keep swimming and amor fati.

  1. My optimistic side said, "fuck it, it doesn't stand a chance in the short term." lol. Maybe it doesn't, but this wasn't developed overnight and fatlogic is real so let's be realistic and patient and endure. []

1 Comment »

  1. Seems quite on target. And glad to see you got over quite a few things that kept holding you back, indeed.

    For the shame part, it's usually a matter of mismatch indeed - the tricky bit is at times to figure out precisely between what and what exactly. And to the extent that you seem to put a lot of pressure on yourself at most times really, take care that you don't expect/require perfection (and the first time too!) either. It's more on this side that I meant the "you don't do humble very well" - while knowing that you can and will do better is good and needed, the humble part comes in admitting that it might take a few iterations / more time to get there. And arguably even more biting otherwise, it might be the case at times that you can't even evaluate yourself if/when you did good or good enough - it's someone else's call to say that.

    At any rate and for what it might help, a very young me got one time so fed up that she decided point blank "I shall not be ashamed of anything ever, anymore" - and that was it. I am aware it might not work for everyone/anyone else but there was at least this one data point that I have that it's ... possible.

    Comment by Diana Coman — February 8, 2020 @ 7:46 p.m.

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